Superhero

To be loved ~ Adele

I've been wrestling with whether to dive into a more serious topic, one that's a bit more personal and tends to stick with me from dawn till dusk. Sometimes, it feels like I'm living in a twisted David Lynch film or an episode of the Twilight Zone. Even though I love spinning tales and cracking jokes, there's a backstage pass to my life that not many people get to see or hear about. So, I'm going to pull back the curtain and let you peek behind the scenes, even if it gets a bit uncomfortable. One of the reasons I chose to start blogging was to share my experiences of transitioning and what that journey looks like from my perspective.

First and foremost, I am incredibly grateful for the tremendous support I receive from my family, friends, coworkers, and therapist, all of whom cheer me on from the sidelines. However, exploring the mental aspects of transitioning brings its own unique set of challenges. The list of these challenges seems endless, and throughout this journey, I will touch on and cover as many topics as I can over time. I have to admit, it's difficult to sum-up one topic in just a few short blog posts, as my journey is continuously evolving.

I find myself talking about my most recent rollercoaster of a relationship with Patricia. It's still fresh in my mind and dragged me to some dark places. Opening up and becoming vulnerable to someone you trust, only to end up feeling isolated and abandoned, comes with its own set of challenges. This experience has been a reminder of just how fragile I can be and how I sometimes have to dig deep to find that superhero strength I tend to forget I have.

While this difficult experience intensified my feelings and vulnerability, it wasn't entirely negative. It served as a reminder that I possess the strength of a fucking superhero!!!!!  It was a wake-up call, one that didn’t come with a snooze button. After spending so many years in self-protection mode, feeling betrayed by someone I believed genuinely cared about me was a wake-up call that I didn’t anticipate. However, this experience has given me a significant push to open up and express myself, maybe this was my path all along. If sharing my story can touch or help even one person, then I’m winning.

Making the decision to transitioning from female to male has been a profound emotional journey, hammered by a wide range of experiences and emotions. It has involved confronting deep-seated fears, navigating social challenges, and embracing my “new” identity. Growing up, I felt like an outsider in my own body, which was incredibly confusing and frustrating. I had an older brother, who has since passed, and watching him stirred up a whirlwind of jealousy and emotional chaos that seemed never-ending at such a young age. There was always a disconnect between my body and identity. Back then, the fear of being rejected or misunderstood was so intense that talking about it was like trying to discuss how far the moon was to a toddler The best anyone could do was label me a tomboy, which, didn’t even begin to cover the complexity of what was really going on with me.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I came out as a lesbian when I turned 18. Even then, the idea of talking about transitioning was a terrifying thought in a world that wasn't exactly rolling out the rainbow carpet. To make matters worse, when I came out to my mom, it was shortly after "Boys Don't Cry" landed on VHS. Let me tell you, I never heard the end of it. Her fear for me, a butch lesbian navigating a sometimes harsh world, was through the roof. Love you, Mom, if you're reading this! It's a fantastic movie, but it definitely planted a worst-case scenario seed in her mind.  Fast forward 20 years later I decided to shock my mom once again with the “Big” news of my transition.  Again, another tale for another time.

Deciding to transition was a monumental step, think of it as an awakening if you will, that required carefully weighing the emotional benefits against the potential risks. For me, the drive to live as authentically as possible outweighed any fear of rejection and discrimination. However, it wasn't until I was already on my journey that those fears surfaced, reminding me of their presence. It wasn’t as smooth sailing as I thought it was going to be. This transition was going to affect every corner of my life, not just my person.

Stepping into the journey of transitioning has been both liberating and challenging. When I finally began hormone therapy, it brought a wave of changes that filled me with a sense of euphoria. My voice deepened, my face became more angular, my build grew stockier and more muscular, and I began to align more closely with my true identity. The one drawback for me has been the receding hairline, but you can't win them all. Each milestone has felt like a personal victory.

Not going to sugarcoat it, these changes have also brought moments of doubt and anxiety, often fueled by worries about social pressures, prejudices, and reactions from others. Fear of disappointment has been my constant companion. This has always been my number one feeling. To this day, I am still learning to navigate the complexities of my emotions and trying to find resilience in vulnerability. Each day, I strive to nurture a stronger sense of self and renew my capacity for joy. Seeking this new life with confidence and grace is like searching for needles in a haystack, not because they aren't there, but because it takes both physical and mental strength to find them. Celebrating those moments of finding each needle fills me with a sense of pride.

The mental journey and overcoming obstacles are truly a daily challenge. It's absolutely essential to find a support system, as this journey should not be traveled alone. My heart goes out to those who may not have a large support network, and I genuinely wish you did. I know I'm incredibly fortunate to have such support, especially in a world that can be tricky to navigate. There are so many resources and groups available at your fingertips—use them! No one should ever feel alone on this journey. Mentally, it can be taxing, so don’t hesitate to lean on at least one person. Remember, whether you are trans, bi, gay, straight, pink, purple, yellow, or even a unicorn, there is always a superhero inside you! Just like a car that needs regular maintenance, our minds require care too. Neglecting this care can lead to breakdowns, but with regular attention and support, many challenges can be prevented.